Imagining the Biggest Chill

Global warming ain’t

The Greenhouse effect is a hoax.

In fact, the opposite is happening: We’re on the cusp of a new Ice Age. Yes, pilgrim, the globe is inexorably locked into…the Refrigerator Effect!!

I know, I know. It’s a shocking revelation, a stunner that goes against everything you’ve been told by The New York Times, Dan Rather, and our own beloved government. They’ve warned you about the ozone hole, about rising oceans and temperatures that’ll make Minneapolis look like the Mojave. Well, it’s all hogwash, a smokescreen blown by high-placed conspirators who don’t want to see their massive investment in sunscreen companies go down the tubes.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, despite the efforts of these swindlers, I’ve uncovered startling new evidence that global temperatures are falling. My findings are backed by highly regarded weatherologists who unfortunately must at this time remain nameless.

The actual evidence, however, isn’t so important as the implications of Global Chilling. See, if the world gets colder, we get more snow, and more snow means more face shots and more face shots means more skiers, which means we’ll sell more magazines which means I can retire to my chalet in the Dolomites before I’m thirty-five.

But my retirement’s neither here nor there. What is here is the fact that it’s getting colder and it’s going to snow a lot more—a hell of a lot more. And it’s going to snow a lot lower—for every two degrees Centigrade the temperature drops, the snowline will fall 1,500 feet. Places that you’ve never even considered skiing will see first tracks…and second tracks…and third tracks.

Imagine! What would San Francisco be like in the grips of the Refrigerator Effect? You could telemark Telegraph Hill—piece of cake. Or Washington, D.C…slap on a pair of 215s, tuck Wisconsin Avenue and you’d be in Georgetown in minutes. Or L.A…lock into your snowboard at the Hollywood sign and twenty or so arcs later you’d be on Sunset.

What about the snow depth in places you already ski? Well, climatologists estimate a fifteen percent increase in snow depth for every degree the global temperature drops. Two degrees means another ninety inches for Aspen, another one hundred sixty for Wolf Creek, six hundred twenty-five total. And British Columbia’s Mount Mackenzie, which now gets seven hundred twenty inches a year, will have nine hundred fifty!

Wait a sec. I have to stop here. I have to tell you the truth. Global Chilling isn’t occurring. It’s all a fantasy conceived on a sweltering summer day. I’m sorry. I lied.

But what if?